MINISTRY UPDATE

Ok- It looks like the end of January we are heading out to minister overseas. Spending months in a foreign country, and meeting with thousands of people at a time. God is still working and moving in my life, changing deeply who I am, and preparing me for what is to come.

I love it when God prepares us, it hurts sometimes, but the benefit of it is a life well lived.

The Stronghold

Last night I went through some of the most terrifying revelations and internal earthquakes I have ever gone through. Now that it's all over, Im still not sure who I am, God has radically destroyed parts of who I am. My thinking has changed, my goals, my relationships, my pride... Broken and changed. I'm sitting at a table right now staring outside, asking God to heal me. I feel like I'm bleeding everywhere. And here's why.

At many points in my life I craved friendship... I craved someone to latch on to for security, comfort, companionship, approval, love, even grace and forgiveness... Turns out it was all Idolatry. All of those things are traits of God, and God wants to be our source, not for us to be the source for others, or go finding love in other things when God has a far better, deeper supply than you could ever need or want.

But the problem was- I was addicted to it. I craved the seemingly "realness" of worshiping the creation rather than the creator. It was my drug, and I needed a fix on a regular basis. I would regularly hear things like "You don't have any friends" and "No one loves you" which drove me mad, because they were lies coated in a dab of truth- and I didn't fight them, but I should have.

I never wanted to tell anyone about my addiction, but last night there were events that could not be denied. The truth had to come out, the deepest darkest recesses of my past, my idolatry, all my choices and wants to appease that sick beast inside me- it had to come out... and it did.

Driving down the mountain road I began to cry, I started to pray as I felt God prepare me for the deepest surgery He had ever performed on me. I began to furiously cry in the car as my prayers turned into petitions and screaming "God! Prepare me for this!... I want to grow up!... Your work be done!... Transform me!" My blubbering words muffled by the stream of tears and pain. In that moment, I felt God touch my head, literally. Getting ready to give up something that has been with me nearly my whole life was not an easy task... but it happened.

So here I sit, feeling empty and full at the same time, breathing the free air, and reaching out to Gods love, grace, acceptance, security, approval, and friendship. As for what's next, I dont know.

To be a Man

To be a man... I'm 29 already... You would think at some point some switch would have kicked on some sort of man motor just waiting to fire up, but as it turns out, its more like a puzzle to put together. This is a crazy process, and even when you think you have it, you don't, You just finished putting together a puzzle piece of the bigger puzzle. Its so true that once you realize you don't know it all, you start learning. I have had my own learning curve today, and I have been waiting YEARS to turn that corner closer to manhood... Even though I am a man... It doesn't feel complete yet. God, help me become more of a man. Not like james bond or vin diesel... But, me. Mold me and shape me into whatever man YOU want me to be. I let go of pride, arrogance, childish ways, excuses, and anything else comforting that stops me from getting closer to You. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Waiting

Its not every day I have 15 minutes with nothing to do, but I still ask myself- what do I do with extra time? Looking at it like its currency in a bank account you have no idea when its going to run out.
Some people spend YEARS of there life pursuing happiness selfishly and never finding real Joy. I'm finding myself joyful right now just sitting here because I know I'm in Gods will for my life right now, and beyond that, I'm happy... Not many people can say that these days.

Cries in the light

I cried so hard this afternoon I got a nosebleed. You never know how much is on your back until it breaks, and mines hurting pretty bad. If I combine the financial issues, lack of male companionship, lack of time to call family back home, my grandpa in the hospital, personal lack of long-term development in ministry... Its amazing what kind of lies seep in and say stuff like: your family doesn't miss you, you need to be someone else if you are to succeed, you need more money to be happy, your a burden to the ministry... Its really annoying.
I know this battle inside me will be won, however, getting to that point is painful. Lots of tears and ripping lies off of you like duct tape, I know its going to be ok.

Sick and tired

JOURNAL ENTRY::
  "Its our final missions trip this yer, I was sick, literally through the whole thing, and I had a good time with families and kids... But now that were done I realize something. Being surrounded by "type A" people, (Leaders, strong personality type) I tend to shrink back, and no one wants to really be in a close relationship, just a business relationship. Everyone talks about what's next, what was, or what needs to be done now... I ask if anyone wants to play cards, and its viewed as a waste of time. Don't people believe in team building exercises? Communication? Being approachable? I feel like I'm my prime spot in ministry- this is easily one of the best ministries I have ever been involved in, and its a pleasure and privlage to even work with- not to mention be hired by them to work all over the world... Its so fulfilling in every aspect of life except one. Relationships. I don't feel close to anyone, and to a degree, I really don't feel like my opinion matters or that I'm even heard, with that said, part of me feels like its dying, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing- but reguardless, I have longed for a meaningful conversation or hug for months, and it seems like I'm just in a desert. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like it. So weird."

Ok- I wrote the a while ago, and I cant believe how selfish and needy I was. well, I was sick, but at least my negative emotions and bad attitude were held in "Draft" on here and didn't go out for everyone to see. I thought about deleting this draft, but realizing that everyone is human and needs to work out our own iniquity and issues, allowing God to work on who you are. The text above is how I was, and God is changing me day by day.
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Book about women

"What men know about women" By Tim Warner

Chapter index:
  1: How to relate around multiple women.
  2: What No really means
  3: Tips

Chapter 1: 

Shut up.

Chapter 2:

No, Shut up.

Chapter 3:

 If a woman tells you "I don't feel like explaining it, turns out you already annoyed her and wants to go away from your presence, either way, Shut up.

My Abs of steel!!

Yeah! Check this out! Oh wait- you cant see em. HA!
turns out Godliness is something that you can make stronger, but cant see as you would- Abs.
Am I saying I'm a complete work of art when it comes to Godliness? Heck no. Just like a man with ripped abs and has that fake look on his face that says

I can see those models saying

"You only wish you were this hot!"

 ugh... Makes me sick. 

but in the same way- dont people who pretend to be holy or godly that have that look or feeling of "You only wish you were as close to God as I am!" That too, makes me sick.

Its the end of day 6 of the brick work and mortar repair, its amazing to be up on a lift and doing such needed work. After 12 hours of work, most of it just standing in a cramped lift- its amazing how odd your legs feel. I'm tired. And what's worse, the devil has been bringing up past sins and making me feel useless!! Why? I don't know, but he is the accuser isn't he? He is the liar and the thief. I really felt as if I was under some spiritual attack. So now I lay on my bed and pray. God, I need you, I need your truth so I can see right. I don't want my heart to hurt because of the accusers schemes. Build me up and train me in your ways, please defeat this battle that rages against all that I am, I'm tired, and don't believe anything the accuser is saying. I love You God, and its to you that my heart bends its knees. I love you Father
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Flight

You know, its not fun to pack up, forget stuff, miss a connecting flight, sleep in the airport, remember more stuff you forgot, and then try to stay happy on the ride home on the morning flight... But I know God is in control, and its not my job to complain or try to fix anything more than I have. All I can do is smile and say Thank you God for making me.

Part of me was beating myself up inside saying "Grow up" but another part was saying "Thank God for who you are" it was a very interesting mix of emotions, especially when I was processing them and crying while in a bathroom stall.

But God forgives, God loves, and even when we let others down because of our mistakes- God still loves us with a love beyond our understanding. Even though I'm sitting alone on this plane, I can feel Gods presence.

Thank you God for making me, and helping me when I feel alone and make mistakes. You make me joyful when everything else feels like a mistake. Its your timing God, and the knees of my heart will only bow to you. Thank you God for all you do in the lives of the team I'm with. I love you God.
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Sword fighting: 102 "The Fall"

   The image of the sun rising over the distant hills, a chill in the air, and the leaves turning colors are a constant reminder of this autumn morning. I'm exhausted spiritually. I was just in a huge battle for real a few nights ago, and I'm still healing from it. I have learned to me more aware, and more ready in every moment of life to defend and fight for what is right. I'm not talking about literally attacking someone, but when someone is telling you "You wont be important or attractive if your fat"... it's your choice to either accept that statement or block it. It's blocked by understanding that you were made in Gods  image, and God has plans to prosper you. Now That is a side of sword fighting people don't use as often... but like your muscles, it grows in time as you use it.

The physical sword you have can do a lot of damage, it can tear through anything visible. But what about the bible? It's a sword too- check this out-

Hebrews 4:12 

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart"

So train with the bible daily! It's more than "Devotions" or "Bible reading"... It's a warriors cry to his Captain, it's a call to arms, it's time to stand up and fight the good fight!

The most difficult battle is in you. If you want to be a warrior, you cant just buy the suit at wal-mart and call yourself a warrior, it's earned. 

My Abs of Steel!!

Yeah! Check this out!

Oh wait- you cant see em. HA!

   Turns out Godliness is something that you can exercise, but cant see as you would, say- Abs... Am I saying I'm a complete work of art when it comes to Godliness? Heck no! This is my point: Some people walk around with ripped abs and has that fake look on his face that literally screams to the world...

"You only wish you were this hot!"

 Ughh... Makes me sick.

   But in almost the same way- don't people who pretend to be holy or godly that have that look or feeling of "You only wish you were as close to God as I am!" Honestly- That too makes me sick, because from their point of view, it's all about them! I bet they pray more in public than in private...

 JUST SO THEY LOOK GOOD!! 

*cough, cough*

Why cant we set better examples of who God is in our lives by not trying to be perfect, (because only Jesus is) but to tell everyone what your testimony is, where you came from, the struggles you had, and even tell some the struggles your currently having so you can start fighting! Is it so bad to be honest enough with our self so spur other's on to greatness by being vulnerable? Man- we are so selfish as humans.

(Note: Here's some online testimonies to watch: http://vimeo.com/generationsofvirtue/videos)

Anyway! From rock hard abs to the bowing of heads... What's real? What's for show? Who's the star? Did you know that your abs of steel and crunches wont last forever? I mean exercise is good because it helps you live LONGER, but does it stand the test of eternity? nope. (2nd Corinthians 4:18)

So stop trying to live by the rules of men and women, popularity, or even yourself. Live to please God alone, and one day, you will hear "Well done, good and faithful servant"

1st Timothy 4:8

 "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."

The Big Move

(I wrote this some time ago, I just found it... Interesting perspective on obedience)

So bizarre.
Leaving all of your friends, family, Ministry, Job, even security, just because God said "Go"
It's a leap of faith that took absolutely no thinking, because when God says GO, you go.
If you dont go, who knows what life you will live

The walk

Walking through the forest by what used to be a beautiful area of reflection and tranquility, I reaalize this landscape was man made. Looking to the streams, paths, hills, and various landscapes, it was all made by the catholics sometime in the 40s or 50s I would imagine. Walking further past the thick trees with is falling leaves, I can't help but notice the trash thrown down here by generations past. Just now I'm standing by what looks like a small creator, and then I realize what this area was... This was a man made pool at one time, and it flowed to a dam downstream which is now just concrete rubble, and from there travels under a land bridge out the other side. So much history in this place. I'm walking by the pool now as I type this blog, and I can't help but wonder what nuns or people walked this path, what were they thinking, what did they pray?

My Island

Why did I feel like I had to take on the world? I cant.
There's no way I could have the drive to win SO STRONG to effect change in every human being, after all, if I tried, who would I be worshiping? God or myself? How about I just be obedient.

I'm walking along the boundary of who I am now, finding my limits and strong points. I still remember when I felt like my island was a continent, and everyone was on it- but as it turns out, I look to the edge of my island and find the pathetic reach that I have as an individual to effect change alone.

It's not my job to reach out and change people, but it is my job to love people. so, I love with all I have and let God change me, it's painful, but it's an awesome process.

Sword fighting 101: Attitude

It's one thing to sword fight in an old cathedral where the catholic church used to be, and it's an amazing experience to read a bible verse that seems to hit you in the heart and slowly create change as you let God's word sink deeper. I can only believe that I am honoring this old building by sword fighting and training within it's damp and history filled walls. but more importantly, It's my heart bowing to the King of Kings that honors God. It's not in honoring people or old buildings that have brought me to where I am, It's the reverence and realization that Jesus Christ is alive and wants me to hear his voice, and develop a relationship that withstands time itself.

I'll be posting my sword fighting sessions on this blog for others to do or train if they wish :)

Step 1: If your new to sword fighting, get a smooth stick that is from the floor to your belly button in length. Maybe a broom handle or small dowel rod.

Thoughts on Obedience

So many of us get that talk at a young age, and we listen for a few years, then when were a teenager (for some reason) we just ignore everything that... well... you get the point. Rebellion is the opposite of obedience, and for some reason, I have only heard the word "Obedience" referring to either Dogs or when someone is getting a talking to from parents...

Brave cat? or Strong Dogs?

Here's a fun test to figure out where you are. (If you cant choose one, pick the one that seems the best fit, be honest, dont read down until you have your answers- think about your answers.)

Pick a mindset and continue...

If you are more apt to say:

"I have the opportunity to obey" Then go to comment 1

or maybe "I'll do my own thing" Go to comment 2

Comment 1) Either you have begun to understand or do understand the value of obedience, and even though you have no idea where I'm going with this, you personally either: (See below comment 2 in BOLD Letters for your personal message)

A>Choose to Obey those in authority over you.

B>Obey people you like or choose yourself.

C>Take what people say as a suggestion, and do it whenever your able, if you want to.

Comment 2) What's the point of serving others or obeying people? I mean, if you think about it, what does it get you in the end? right? If you feel even slightly like that, you should relate to one of these sentences. (See BOLD Numbers below to the one you pick)

1> I can see it's important to obey some people, I just do it to make them happy.

2>If I'm afraid of someone, i'll obey them! Id rather obey a thug than a preacher anyday! :D

3>Honestly, I dont care. I'm reading this because I want to, not like words can change who I am

4>Anyone who thinks they can boss me around are either dumb or control freaks.

5>The only things worth serving is myself, I don't even know why I'm reading this.

You are a part of a team.

A- Why do you choose to obey those people who have authority over you? If you honestly chose this letter, please read through all the corresponding letters and numbers, you will be able to pick out all the nuggets of truth and make for yourself a huge reason to why authority is to be obeyed, it's amazing.

B- Once you start to Choose to obey people in your life, you gotta ask yourself "Why to I obey them" maybe it's because you just want to keep them as a friend or even because you feel forced to! Either way, you need to obey those in AUTHORITY in your life, there's a structure that is in place that "Conformists" didnt build, God built it. So if you "Choose" to obey someone, ask yourself "Am I doing this for God? Them? or Me? And once you think about it, the result may shock you.

C- Did you know that God is the King of Kings? He's the one who created everything and gave you life... Your not an accident, and He wants to give you purpose, not to live to play Xbox or PS3 all day. Even tho that can be fun, are you being obedient? It's one thing for God to ask you to do something "Climb this mountain" and it's another for your parents to ask "Wash the dishes" Oh wait... hold on... why would you obey God and not your parents? It says in the Bible that  "He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much..." (Luke 16:10a) so if you want the blessings God has for you, start with the dishes :) you get it?

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right (Notice the words "...in the Lord") What does that mean?? hmmm

1-You do it to make them happy? Maybe even make them "think" that their in control, well guess what... If they are in leadership over you, and your not obeying (or maybe you are, but not in attitude) and you think everythings going to be ok? because "It doesnt matter" Check this out:

Hebrews 13:17 "Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you"

   So we can apply that their IS a profit to obedience then... and if your obeying those in authority because you want "a profit" and still have a good heart attitude, GO FOR IT! It's perfectly fine to run a race, knowing that their is a prize waiting for you at the end! so Run!

2 Timothy 2:5 "And also if anyone competes in athletics, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules"

2- Sure you can see the importance of obeying some people, like cops, if they say "Put the gun down" and you disobey... Your life is in danger! But if God says "Say hello to that guy" and you dont... what does that mean? Will I get shocked with lightning? Well, no, but disobedience has it's own way of showing itself, and honestly, we dont see it because we expect God to come and spank us like our parents did, It was OBVIOUS when we disobeyed, and because of those spankings, I fear wooden spoons. 

    "Colossians 3:22 Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God."

     Ok, so dont fear the spoon... Fear God... Actually the word fear here is better understood as "Divine Respect" Imagine if your boss came to dinner? better clean the house! Gotta make a good impression and look better than "Normal". What if the Governor came to dinner? Better look good and prepare a small speech, would you want him to hear what you had to say? you may not have this opportunity, ever! What if the President came to dinner, and it was going to be on the news?! Oh man! Watch what you say, act proper, look good, prepare a small speech on your life goals, Etc. would you sweat?  

What if God wanted to spend 10 minutes with you? would you care? or would you just go back to YOUR stuff, cause if you do, THATS what you will get... Your stuff- Not His. It's in the "Sincerity of heart" amazing things happen.

3-

• Exodus 23:22But if you indeed obey His voice and do all that I speak, then I will be an enemy to your enemies and an adversary to your adversaries.
• Jeremiah 38:20But Jeremiah said, “They shall not deliver you. Please, obey the voice of the LORD which I speak to you. So it shall be well with you, and your soul shall live.
• Ephesians 3:16-19 "That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."
• 1 John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome
• Revelation 22:14-16  Blessed are those who do His commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter through the gates into the city. But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie. “I, Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star.”
• John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in Him will not perish [hell], but have eternal life.

Glaze through these verses like their just words or pick through them like your trying to find a treasure, either way, it's a choice, just like John 3:16 says "Whoever believes" ... It's your choice, but you need to make that choice, sooner than later, because you dont know if you have later.

• Hebrews 5:9 having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him

Woah.

4- Do you think people in authority over you are dumb? Parents? Pastors? The President? God? Do you see rules as a dumb set of rules that old people set for you to stop you from experiencing life to it's fullest? "DONT DRINK!" "SAVE SEX TILL MARRAGE!" Some people would definately see rules like that as "Fun killers". 

• Romans 13:14 But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.

Ok, so you see this and say "Exactly! Another rule making ME not have any fun!" well, wait- you dont see the reason behind it.

•  1st Peter 4:1-3 Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries.

Once you can see "Fun" for what it really is, you tend to shift your thinking to a better way of living, I'm not a conformist, living a "Pure life" with other people, everyone looking and smelling the same :D ... I could say the same about a bunch of drunks or druggies at a party for that matter! the only differience between Drunks, druggies, and Christians, is that We as Christians know where were going and have a comforter that is WAY beyond any high you could ever get, and is there for you when you feel lonely ... How do you get it?

It's more simple than you think. Ask.

then talk to a pastor or friend or even myself.

5- Who is your master?  No one right? You do what you want, when you want... It's the good life right? Did you know that your a slave to whatever your flesh wants? Try stopping stuff you "choose"  to do because you like it... try to stop fueling lustful thoughts, or drugs, alcohol, or pornogrophy, etc. I DARE you to see who is is control. Stop it for 1 month, you will feel the familiar TUG of you not being in control, and you wanting to give in... Not because you WANT to... but because you OBEY it.

• Romans 6:12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.

*************************************

If you have actually read this far, pretty cool huh? If you feel guilty- Give it to God and start over, Do your best for God.

Final thought:

In a war, there are ranks. People fight bloody battles... Even now in Iraq (When this blog is posted), since the war started in 2003, the Average death toll for American troops PER DAY is 2. Could you imagine another day asking yourself "Am I going to become a number" Well, I pray our servicemen over there stay safe, but the moral of that little story is to let you think about Structure and Authority... See, If that serviceman didnt obey his commanding officer, he could have became a number, or God forbid he was the catalyst for hundreds of people simply "Becoming a number" It's YOUR choice to obey... And guess what? Your in a battle RIGHT NOW! and it's as powerful and devistating as any world war! If God asks you to do something and you disobey... Who knows what may happen to YOU or those around you! Obey those who are in charge over you, they are there for a reason...

Romans 13:1-3  Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended.

Obedience=Victory. Questions?

• 2nd Timothy 1:7 For God as not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of live and of a sound mind.

Ephesians 5:8-18

8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the Spirit[b]is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), 10 finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. 11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather exposethem. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.14 Therefore He says: 

      “ Awake, you who sleep,

       Arise from the dead,

       And Christ will give you light.”

15 See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, 16 redeeming the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, 

Exodus 19:5Now therefore, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be a special treasure to Me above all people; for all the earth is Mine.

That sounds like a cool promotion to me.

I'm Enlisted. You are too if you CHOOSE to.

• 2nd Timothy 2:22 "Flee Youthful lusts [passions], but pursue righteousness WITH THOSE who call on God out of a pure heart.

This isnt "Church" It's a full blown War. 

Choose a side.

LIFE UPDATE (Colorado)

(Montana river in summer, not me)

It really wasn't until I left the retirement capitol of the US (Montana) until I realized how laid back it is there, how every day is easy, and one of the hardest things for me to plan and execute was playing the guitar as the sun was setting every summer evening. Ministry was flowing, responsibilities were diminished and everyone was happy where they were at... it was the perfect place for being stagnant in every aspect of life, unless your retired that is, then it's perfect.

I really got used to floating the creek by my parents house, going to visit friends, going on ministry trips, praying for people, having accountability partners, bible studies, canoe trips, bowling ally adventures, hiking trips, mountain climbing, computer gaming, volunteering, you name it, it was a blast, especially with the other 3 people my age! but little did I know I was taking the lifestyle of a retired 20 year old for granted. From the age of 11 I grew up with low expectations, and it just became a lifestyle... It didn't seem wrong at all. But little did I know I was made for so much more. I retired at age 11 and am now in the most crazy time of my life in full time ministry.

Once I moved to Colorado, the old saying passed through my head that was told to me from my pastor in bible college, "You can do anything for a short time" basically meaning that God is our strength, and we have the strength to persevere through the toughest conditions and situations life can throw at us. Little did I know the magnitude of the workload, the needed tight structure, the team that managed it so well, and the vision they all have are amazing, they have built this ministry to be a international resource for everyone, and at one point as the blood dripped and sweat poured, I quietly whispered to myself "You can do anything for a short time" and go to bed every night saying "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and quickly fall asleep.

Yea, this lifestyle is crazy and unlike anything normal I have ever experienced, but so was Montana, in a very different way.

It's amazing to see every part of the team work and function in their own unique gifts and talents, giving their lives to this passion and purpose. Everyone is SO unique, it's beautiful to see everyone flow together and work as a unit. Obviously, sometime's there's hiccups and areas to grow, but in the end, everyone learns and grows together as a team and lives around the world are changed, literally.

Hope is restored to a parent who doesn't know what to do, how to talk to their kids, or what information to give. Teenagers realize what's going on in their life, make educated decisions for their future, and decide a better way to live... Just because team in Colorado cares about every person. 14 people touching hundreds of thousands of lives over the career spanning the life of the ministry. Imagine what would happen if a church of over 14 decided to live for others? to reach into the circle of influence that they have around them instead of wanting people to come to their aid. You don't need to look around the world to touch lives, you just need to reach out to those who are IN your life, and be faithful in the little things, knowing that those annoying people in your life are there to strengthen you. Love the unloved, say hi to people you don't know. Live life to the fullest, every day.

So I live from day to day, not knowing what's next on my task list, but knowing for sure well that I'm going to be doing it for God and the leaders He placed in my life. It's my choice to do my best, and I will everytime, even if it means sleeping in my clothes, skipping breakfast, missing a shower, working 20 hours a day, with few days off. Working harder than I ever have in my life is not a point of "Ohhh poor Tim" It's a challenge to myself to do hard things and impact the world for the better, and ask you, the reader...

Who's lives will you touch today?

Battle: My first love

"Sometimes I feel alone in a crowded room, sometimes I wonder if anyone notices how much hard work I put into things... It's difficult to do your best for so long, especially when it pales in comparison to others who has worked as a unified team for years. "

Those were my thoughts a week ago, and then the real battle began: Loneliness.

A few days ago it finally hit me, I don't have anyone I can talk to about deep stuff, and I do want someone to talk to because God has been doing some deep work inside me, and I totally love it... but it was in that moment of wanting to tell someone I realized I had no one I could connect with. Little did I know that that thought brought more pain than I ever felt before, because God was trying to rip something so deep inside me I didn't understand why I needed to go through that kind of tearful anguish- and for me, a relational person who loves to connect with people on a personal level, it was hard.

God was tugging at something I had in my life since I was a kid: Idolatry.

I always loved hanging out with friends, being accepted, popular, feeling needed at times was some sign of status that I had years ago, but I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. I loved God with all of my heart, but at the same time I chose to have friends as my comforter rather than the Holy Spirit.

I remembered a conversation I had with a man a number of months ago whom I highly respect, and he told me that he saw idolatry going on between myself and the other person mentioned, now that I felt the pain of loneliness and dually understood that I was placing my heart in a place of wanting connection with someone I can relate to, hang out with... I just wanted a friend... but my heart was longing for comfort, and needed to look to the comforter... I realized this in a quick moment I was in the wrong, and in that moment I closed my tear-filled eyes and simply said

"God, I need a hug" (Basically saying: "Be my comforter")

and I felt arms wrap around my head and shoulders like one of the warmest embraces I have ever felt. With tears in my eyes I gave a hug back, I can only imagine how that would have looked if someone saw me! but after only moments after God inspired change and I chose to walk through with it, it was amazing how I felt. I felt whole again, like a man who reunited with his first love. I felt complete in a way, not perfect, but more whole as a person. I was smiling for the next few days, just because of how comforted I felt, and still feel.

It's exciting to have such a bizarre form of surgery done on you, but the end result is amazing.

My stitches dream

Dream:

I woke up very groggy, fuzzy vision and unable to hear to well... after a moment or so I was able to see I was in a doctors office with a doctor and my mom in the room. My head was on my mom's lap and the doctor was just standing close to me. I had NO idea why I was in the hopital, but the look on my mom's face and the doctors looked sad at best.

My mom finally set my head down and said "It's ok Tim, you can let go" (Meaning, it's ok to die, were here for you) so as I laied there I looked down off my bed at the floor and saw a vision of heaven below... A great inviting pool of water with plants and trees I have never seen before, the air itself had a golden feel and glow. It was just a glimpse of something far away from anything else, and it seemed like an adventure that would be so amazing, and by dying, I would be beginning that journey.

After a moment of awe and gazing, I sat back in my doctors bed and chose to stay alive. After like 5 minutes, my mom got up and in a very caring voice said "Goodbye Tim" as if she was never going to see me again. The door opened, and she left to do some errands.

The doctor stayed in the room for about an hour, seemingly waiting for me to die. During this time, I moved my toes and legs gently and realized they felt really tight and uncomfortable. The doctor eventually grabbed his keys and left, without a word... assuming I would die sometime in the night. The light clicked off, the door shut, and I was alone.

I stared at the ceiling and moved my legs slightly, wondering what was going on, choosing not to die, but I was on the verge all night. It was literally HOURS in real dream time, sitting there, alone, trying to stay alive, trying to wonder what happened. A bible verse echoed in my head "Choose life so that others may live" so I actively chose to live, fighting the urges to let go.

Hours went by as I simply laid there. After the sun came up, the sound of the doctor entering the hospital was obvious, as he came into the room I was in, he didn't even check to see if I was alive, I just said "Well hey there" and he jumped in fear. He looked over at me and said "Woah! Your alive" and quickly put in an I.V. in my arm, i finally fell into a nice sleep that I needed...

I woke up feeling a lot better, until i moved... I felt that bizarre feeling in my legs again as I laid there, but I got quickly bored just laying there, so I got up, VERY SLOWLY. I pulled out the IV and walked slowly to the mirror...

The image I saw in the mirror was so disturbing, Its hard to describe... Thousands of stitches up and down my body, at all angles. My upper lip, cheeks, nose, forehead, neck, legs, All of it was full of stitches. I lifted up my shirt very slowly to see more stitches, there was not two square inches of unstitched flesh. I looked like a walking Frankenstein, and had no idea how I got that way...

I walked outside with the utmost of care, loving the mid-morning sunlight (I didnt sleep too long). I saw Alex E. from Montana run to me, the whole time I was saying "Wait, slow down!.. no..." and he game me a massive hug anyway, looked at me, and happily asked me how I was doing. In the anxious love he was freely giving me, he didnt notice anything out of place, and just made eye contact... after a moment he asked "What's wrong?" and I just looked at him, as to say "Cant you see my face??" then he finally said "Oh!" as he noticed, then looked up and down me and said "OH!!" He had no idea.

The meaning of what this dream meant is very intense, and is playing out daily... God is transforming me day by day, becoming a living sacrifice, removing iniquity and learning what ministry really is.