OSJ

OSJ
The Crest of the Knights Hospitallers, The Sovereign Order of St. John of Jerusalem, Knights of Malta, The Ecumenical Order.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A day with David

I wonder if it's Jesus he sees in me that's so attractive, or maybe he covets my time because I'm one of the few people in this world who legitimately loves him as a brother. He claims to be a satinist to the public, put privately he says he's a Christian. He says what he is because of his choices, but his convictions dont come into play. He has called me several times on the verge of suicide, but I was just happy to talk to my brother, loving and caring in every word, never false. I love him and he cherishes me, the battle raging over his soul rages every day, even in the natural it's manifested. "Make a choice" I say, being an example of what love should be, not the abusive father with the love that hurts. It's so hard to watch as his choices get better and then worse, like an old car trying to go up a hill again... dont quit. Surround yourself with people you want to be like, not the drinkers or druggies you call "friends". Choose life so that others may live, Life was never meant to be about you, it was the life giver who saw you in your mothers womb and knew the struggles you were going to have. Even in your pain and bursts of rage you had against God for so long because of your grandpa dying, God was wanting you to look to Him for true love, wanting you to turn to Him instead of all the other choices that numb the pain. He alone can rescue you and heal your broken, bruised, and bleeding heart.

God loves you more than I do, try to wrap your mind around that. So as you go back home and make choice after choice whatever it is, know that the God who made you is showing you His love through me. I will always love you as a brother, I will never judge you or walk away from you, if you ask for advice I will give it.

God never expected you to come to Him clean and perfect, He wants you exactly how you are. Choosing Him means accepting the free Gift that Jesus gave you, and letting Him be King in your life. You dont need to quit all your stuff, but given time with God as King in your life, it will start falling off naturally, and before you know it, you will be free from addictions, shame, lies, depression, anger, everything... It's true freedom. Embrace it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My Nightmares.

   Recently God has been giving me visions, dreams, and even words to speak over people more so than in past experience, and It's a faith muscle that I am growing in more and more as I simply listen, not with my ears anymore as I did when I was a child, but with my heart and mind. I heard Gods voice when I was a child of 7 years old one night after my mom told me the story of Samuel. It was very authoritative, but not scary. I threw my sheets over my head simply because I didn't know what was in my closet, then remembered the story. I recall throwing the blankets off, sitting up and saying "Yes Lord, your servant is listening" as Samuel did in the story, because I knew it was Gods voice. I was waiting to hear more of what God had to say, but I just sat there is a reverent stillness.
    After a moment I laid my head back down on the pillow, wondering why God decided not to continue speaking to me, but then I heard something in my head, like it was one of my thoughts... It was a sentence that was not in English obviously, and after hearing it over and over in my head I decided to repeat it out loud a few times so I would remember it, and I did.
    That following morning I remember getting up and going to my mom in the hallway, I told her what had happened and then said the sentence, she looked at me all confused like and in a muted excitement she said "Oh my gosh- your speaking in tongues, Tim, That's amazing!" and that seemed to be all of the conversation. I walked away thinking "Oh good, I am normal" Oh- but I was deceived... God has had a plan for me all along, and the devil has had it out for me for a LONG time, even before the above story.
   I want to tell you a story from my childhood, a dream as a fact... and it happened over and over again at a minimum of 3 times a week for years until I did spiritual warfare for myself.

[Dream]
   I was playing outside during a nice summer day, every friend I could imagine was over, swinging on a tire swing, enjoying eachothers company. I remember looking around, hearing the birds sing, not a care in the world, the perfect childhood. As I'm looking around at all my friends it happens. In the snap of a finger everything dissapears into the darkness of night, friends gone, everything dark except the sliver of light from the moon, casting shadows on the giant tree in front of me, I raise my hands to my cheeks and shrug my shoulders, trying to find a happy place. The only noise I hear is myself trying to not breathe heavily because I know in anticipation what is about to happen. I don't want to move, I don't want to breathe, maybe it will go away. I look over to see the front door and inch my way to the comfort of light... but it's too late. I feel a tightening on my back, a pulling on my very spine. I turn back toward the tree and feel my spine being tugged backwards so I don't see what's behind me, even though I know exactly what it is.
   I'm forced to sit in a chair as I back into it, it's the same chair, same place, every time. I cant move, every muscle in my body feels tightly wound around, but I still feel warm in this dark place. Out of the corner of my eye I can finally begin to see what pulled me into the chair, the thin and tattered cloak moving gently in the non-existent wind. eventually I see the whole of what it is, floating beside me carrying a large scythe, all I can see are the bony fingers of death gripping the scythe as the other hand opens up one side of the cloak to reveal many jars. It takes some time for the first jar to be opened and it contents smeared on the scythe, and then smeared on my chest from it's cold touch. the first jar was a dark orange, and looked rotten. and finally a second jar was applied, and smeared on top of the orange substance. This jars contents was dark purple in color and also looked rotten. once the 2nd jar was applied, I woke up... but I didn't just "wake up"
    Just as soon as I opened my eyes, I was fully awake. My heart beating out of my chest and enough adrenaline to raise a dead man... I was AWAKE INSTANTLY, but my entire body was numb, I couldn't move my lips, arms, legs, nothing. My lungs were the first to not be numb, so I could breathe as my body needed me to- heavily. but sure enough as soon as I could move my lips and not whisper "mom" I would yell it at the top of my lungs, waking up my brother next door to me. Like clockwork, mom would come into my room, pray with me, comfort me, and help me fall asleep again.

   This happened from 6years old to 11 years old. but when I hit 12, it changed a few times in something even worse, something that was trying to show me it's power and try to control me... Which only made it more angry.

   [Dream]
   I was again, outside, in the new house in Montana when it happened like clockwork. Everything snapped off like the sun simply got switched off, I looked around to see where the nasty beast was, but then I saw something in the sky, hovering in place with obvious glowing red eyes.
   I didn't notice as I was looking up at it that my body was 10 feet off the ground, being pulled up by some unknown force to unholy incarnation of rage and fear. As I got closer, the more I could hear the constant scream that was directed to me, a wish of death i'm sure. but when I would get almost face to face with this thing, I would wake up in a jolt, never frozen in fear, but startled.

   As I got older,the realization of spiritual warfare became a reality, the bible started to make sense, and warfare had to begin on the inside of oneself, my beast, fear.

[Dream]
  The final dream I had about this happened at age 15 when my parents said "Oh Tim! You need to go outside and see the comet!" so I ran outside to look at it alone, and when I saw it, it was the most majestic thing I had ever seen. A ball of deep orange slowly hurling it's way through the galaxy, easily the size of my fist  and with it, a mighty tail that seemed to cover the sky, it was beautiful, until I felt the fear again. I felt a massive demonic outpour from this comet, my heart racing, knowing this could be the largest attack on my yet, I simply said "NO! Stop in Jesus name!" and it shrunk to a comet the size of my pinky, same orange color and everything, but it wasn't in space anymore, it was but feet in front of me, hovering, trying to intimidate me. I said "In the name of Jesus Christ, you have no authority over me" and it instantly dropped to the ground in front of me, but now it was simply a worm, and was literally the color of a rainbow, but the colors were moving around slowly. In my sheer adrenaline I did not know what to do in my new found moment of freedom, so I walked away from this demonic creature, but felt like I needed to hurt it the best way I get hurt, so I flipped it the bird with both of my hands, said "That's what you get you little s***" and woke up shortly after with a smile on my face. Spiritual warfare has never been so fun.

   After thinking about it for a while, I recall my brother telling us stories of him wrestling demons and saying using Jesus' name to break their hold on him, stories of angels visiting him, making him laugh, ministering to him. I was always jealous, and told myself I would never see an angel or be like my brother, but that was another battle all together, and another one after that, and so on... some call it warfare, I call it training.

I'm not posting any pictures on here regarding what I saw, because that's not what I want you to remember.
However I cant leave without showing you one of the most amazing games on Nintendo that had an impact on me :D I thought spiritual warfare was normal for everyone after this!! :D

 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Love




What is it about love?...
I'm old enough to see how the effects of loving your mate leads to happiness,
 and also how the choice of loving alcohol can separate marriages.

Why is love so easily tossed so
fluidly between eternal happiness
and the effects of a broken life?
the childhood pitter patter of
valentines day to the love that
tries to get something...
which isn't love at all, ever.

I think it's funny how no matter
where we are or what we are
doing, we are choosing to love
someone or something, even if it's ourselves.


But it's still the fact that the word "love"
easily describes them all, no matter where
we are in our life or what we are 
choosing to love, weather it be item or
person, we are choosing to love 
whatever "it" is.
***
I'm sick of people saying "Jesus loves you"
 when what they are really trying to say is...
"Jesus can help you, I have no idea what to do" or,
"Come to church, that's what you need" or even,
"I'm trying to fix you"

Notice the word love is NOT in any of those quoted
sentences? that's because there is no love involved, it's just a feeble attempt to be the "savior" of others when that's NOT YOUR JOB! It's God's job through us, let me explain...

You see... Love is a very interesting thing...

Deuteronomy 7:9
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.


1 Corinthians 8:3
But whoever loves God is known by God.



Colossians 2:2
My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,



1 John 2:5
But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him:



1 John 4:8
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.


It's hard for me to live without loving, but it has never been for the soul purpose for personal gain, but His! the painful part about it is there are real incredible people out there who legitimately love others, and make Him known, but they get beaten up by the world and spit out that think that love is weakness. How can that be a weakness? if "God is love" than it SHOULD be something we exercise and protect, like the beating heart behind our ribs! It's precious and uses are beginning to be seen more and more as people begin to use that gift called "love". Especially in a newer movie called "Furious Love" that you may be able to get your hands on. it's powerful. (Parents watch before letting your teens watch it)

It's a funny thing about love,
how you can love everything or something or someone, but never know who it was that gave you the capacity for it. Chalk it up to carnal nature to simply procreate, or even the need for human interaction or friendship, but you need to realize one thing.

1. Every time you have read the word love, God loves YOU, the reader of this cute blog, He chooses you over the sin you choose, and is knocking at your heart to let Him in. Have you? Will you? It's your choice.

God doesn't send people to hell, our own sin does.

Friday, December 10, 2010

In Pursuit of God III

If you want to pursue God, I found out quickly that it's not about you.
I was looking in scripture and saw how jesus had "power" (Luke 8:46)
and also that we will do greater things than Jesus - (John 14:12)

So in a sence, you could have "power" and I'm quickly reminded of
the cartoon "Dragonball Z" when one of the fighters was suprised when
his enemies power was at "9000"














(I had to post this- Joke)
I cant help but recall all the moments in this violent cartoon of the main characters working out and getting stronger. All of them were either practicing what they have learned or training with some elite force or trainer. Even as a kid I thought "How awesome would it be to train and have power like that?" But understanding what God has done for us is not as empowering as the cartoons... It's actually real...

Realizing that "Dragon ball Z" is fake and "Having power" is a real thing for YOU as a christian, but it will take work and training...

This power is not intended to make you popular or train you into a "Christian Superhero" because it's NEVER about YOU, It's about God
working through you, God is the hero, and your his tool.
do you want to be used? :)

Here's my understanding of how to achieve said power so far...

  • Accept Jesus into your heart (Romans 10:9-10) and must be a "heart" decision
     
  • Choose to not sin because God is opposed to evil (Habakkuk 1:13)
    (God is omnipresent, he is everywhere, but turns his back from sin
     because he opposes it, so ask for forgiveness) Then your primed to hear God.

  • You need to HEAR Gods voice if your going to be empowered, so
      Shut up and begin to listen and hear him. (I Kings 19:12 )

   God wants to use us, but many times we would find out that "God gives us the
desires of our heart" (Psalms 37:4) so we pray for new, beautiful cars, money, etc.
But the problem is that power comes from God and not our hearts!! Even though
God "Gives us those desires" we dont see anything happen... which makes us doubt
God all together, just because we dont get what we want... but then again, It's not 
about you, is it?

   Pride was the origional sin, not eating the apple. (Ezekiel 28:12-17)
So get the YOU out of the equasion, because it's a matter of you recieving
power, well who has all knowing (Omnicient), Everywhere (Omnipresent),
and all powerful (omnipotent)? God. If your honestly able to be a "living sacrifice"
to God, your ready to go. (Romans 12:1)

    Ask God to be used.

    When He speaks to you, Obey.

    Prepare>Listen>Obey>Effect.

  Why do people just pray for people?
Jesus prayed before healing people, and
we just assume that God wants to heal
everyone, but what if God wanted to
heal an emotional problem or quench
pride (or others) before physical healing?
You wont know unless your listening!

   So listen, and once you obey, who knows what will happen!

Practice this, use it... It's just a part of a journey

Dont take MY personal words as gospel, I probably left stuff out
or havent understood anything, but if this helps anyone,
I'm happy I was able to help. The best thing to do is to
READ the bible yourself and understand that, and apply it.

    

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

In the pursuit of God II

I was watching the movie "August Rush" by myself at home when God started showing me things in the movie. Because of being actively "In the pursuit of God" I had a whole page of notes, including some random things not movie related.

   I instantly identified with the child in this movie, applying bible scripture, we are "born into sin" and it's our choice to "follow Him". I was astounded as I watched the movie, taking notes and having revelation after revelation as I watched it. Here are some of my notes:

"Hearing Gods voice is more than just simple obedience to words, it's beautiful"
       Gods voice is not an angry commander reigning over His minions, because 
       "God is love" 1st John 4:8
"The world makes us loose focus, including "False fathers"
       Robin Williams played a very difficult role of a "False father" and showed
       me exactly what it like when you let someone, or even something, have
       authority over you that is false authority. Fight it.
       Who or what has authority over you? Depression? TV? Games? Fear? 
       They are false. Reject them.
"We can hear Him, and if we echo him, will he hear us? Yes. He is always listening"
       I remember "Evan" saying "Maybe if I play, they will hear me" like he was
       reaching out for something bigger than himself, he was reaching out for his
       parents. Like Evan, I too am reaching out to my Father.
       God hears us when we pray, it's a key to be "Righteous" (Proverbs 15:29)
       So... how do you become righteous? It's called forgiveness. Once we are 
       forgiven, we are righteous. (Romans 5:17-19)
"Must bad things happen to us to learn?"
       So many bad things happened in this movie, but there were so many good
       things too, and in the end, everything worked out for good. That's not just a 
       happy feeling movie line, It's biblical.(Romans 8:28)
       I should also point out (as an observation) that God will take us through the
       same situation if we dont learn from our mistakes.


      And as the movie drew to an end, I couldn't help but weep tears and get
goosebumps after realizing he finally was going home, just like one day so will I.
I thought in those tears, this is not a mountaintop experience, it's an "On the path"
experience and have no idea where I'm going, I just know I'm going deeper in my
relationship with God. There are no "Mountain top" experiences with God, He
has no end or peak. It's more of a "How far does this rabbit hole go?" question...


      Wiping tears from my face, I couldn't help but smile as I thought "how am I
going to confess to everyone that a guy of my size was weeping like a 3 year old
girl over a movie like that... To be honest, it felt amazing. when I was done, I
walked around my house and said "I want more!" and God reminded me of a
song I used to listen to when I was 12, I didn't even remember the name, I just
started to whistle it. I found it online as "Crying out for love by: Michael W. Smith"

      I remembered how when I listened to it at 12, I would pretend that I was a
martyr, and when I died I went to heaven to be with Jesus forever... I would be
crying big tears as I felt the peace of God all over me, then quickly shut off the
music and wiped my eyes real quick because I heard my parents drive up,
almost like I did something bad! I totally forgot about that until tonight!

      God is addictive... This is fun.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

In the pursuit of God (Grail Diary)

   I started a journal, a special one dedicated to the pursuit of God, and the puzzle pieces that the bible have regarding your "Walk with Christ". Every verse is applicable to the book, every story a puzzle piece to fit together, every book applicable to you personally.

   I remember the "Grail diary" from Indiana Jones, and how passionate the father was to find the actual Grail. Myths and legends of objects are one thing, but applying scripture to your life, and chasing after God, will make you want to sleep with a pen and paper.
 
   It's not a myth to pursue Christ, It's the largest treasure that many have ignored... Sad. God is not a cup, nor a box to be contained in for your own benefit, you cant control Him, only follow his footsteps until something happens.

   "It's work to pursue God, but so many of us fall short by loving ourself instead, being comfortable where we are, or wanting the gift without working for it or acknowledging the giver" Many people start this journey, reach ministry or even gain popularity, and think it's the top... it's not. Only when I see the backside of God as moses did will I be satisfied. Only when I'm walking side by side with my King of Kings will I be at home.

   Miracles were never intended to raise someone to the status of "godly". God needs faceless hero's of the faith who will raise up themselves to the calling God has set before them... It's called the Bible. You don't need to be perfect to start a journey, just willing to start.

Wanna join me on this last epic quest? You can. Start here:
1) Buy a Journal
2) Write these verses in the journal
and comment on them

Jeremiah 29:13
2nd Timothy 2:22
Psalm 139:15-16
Acts 17:26 
Matthew 5:48 
Deuteronomy 4:29 
Ephesians 3:20 
John 17:23 
1 John 4:10 


And finally,
Luke 15:11-32 

3)Read the bible for yourself, don't wait until Sundays :D

Your on your own journey, not riding on the robe of your pastor to bottle feed you bible.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Is it "my destiny" I chase? or God?

It's so interesting looking at other people, their lives and personalities...
I have seen a trend with most humans I have met, they look after themselves.
Once self-preservation is not a question, they look for fame or riches... or do nothing.
It's so interesting to be where I'm at in life, in such a turning point into my destiny, after making mistakes and choosing the right path to the best of my abilities, it seems there is a reward finally. But then again... Have I been pursuing Gods destiny for ME this whole time?



Is it selfish to pursue the honest, sustainable change of others and receive loving people into your life who want to fulfill 2nd Timothy 2:22 by your side? We all need a real brother to run the race with us. By real I mean, not fake. Someone who is willing to run after God with everything they have, to spur each other on. It's in that bond of brothers that honesty is built, and you cant pursue God when your "Fine where im at" or are hiding sins that your not willing to let go, including un-forgiveness.

Is it ok to not care about other's lives in the pursuit of happiness, or is it happiness to pursue the lives of others? Well, I think so, and that's why I'm in the ministry. I love to love, NOT FOR MY SAKE- but for His. God has chosen me to love others into the Kingdom of God, using me as a tool.


Have you ever been used? Been a tool? I want to be God's Tool. To be used is... an honor beyond understanding! When I enter the gates of heaven, I want to be all battered and dirty from all the kids I have hugged, disease riden youth and adults I pray for, and experiences I have and simply tell God "God- That was a great ride" but more importantly, the words that haunt me to this day are me wanting my fathers approval, so that when I hear Gods voice I hear "You have done well my good and faithful servant" I need to LISTEN and OBEY my masters voice...

However, it was my mistake to put that sublime reverence on a human leader, which is what I did for a season, and it was wrong. Obedience and respect is definitely a role that must be given to your spiritual leaders, but to treat them in a regard that only should be given to God himself is wrong, and I publicly  apologize for that.


Is it selfish to gain popularity in the pursuit of your own destiny? Once it becomes about you more than God, or even your family more than God, It's Idolatry. Sure you may be the next AC/DC but what's the worth to literally gain the whole world and loose your soul? Check your motives. I hear too many people who want to get a good job, make it rich, get popular, get married, have a family, have a TV show about your family...(That was the amplified version of course) but the thing they leave out of the equation is GOD! How do you expect to be "In the pursuit of happiness" and leave out God? It's like being on a stationary bike! Apply basic bible verses early in life and BAM! you have a foundation ready for success...

   God will lead you all over the place and take you through some crazy situations for sure. It's a journey as real as Indiana Jones, complete with bad guys, and it's YOUR job to begin that journey.
Read the bible,
Apply what you learn,
It's a choice without excuse.
Your a Christian? but you dont know anything about it except church. Well, it's a matter of "Following Christ"

So follow Him.

Did you know that if you read the bible like any normal book it would take 3 full days of reading?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Asia 2010 "Reflections"

   I was in Singapore at the time, riding in a taxi to the place that we were staying at, and I was thinking again “How did I get here, what choice did I make in life that brought me to this place?” so I started thinking about past dreams and choices, and ended up just having some fun life flashbacks as we were driving down the road. The following is an exact recall of said flashbacks.

   I was remembering my childhood vividly in California, remembering in private school when the Super Nintendo came out and how all the kids my age were talking about yoshi 

(The cute baby green dinosaur) … and how clueless I was to what they were talking about, I felt somewhat unprivileged at the moment, but then realized I could care less. I am way more important than some stupid piece of metal, I walked away from them, looking at the scenery outside thinking to myself "What defines who I am?"

***I was startled as the car I was in slammed on the brakes to avoid the 2 motorcycles that had cut him off. The driver started saying words in a foreign language, I could tell he was slightly upset.

   I closed my eyes again, remembering a single dream I had as a child, 
when I walked up in the woods at the age of 9, it was so incredibly peaceful. No one was outside and there was a cold but fresh air out. I walked back home and started to think of a turtle shell, and in that moment the sun finally rose in all of it’s magnificence, the clouds parting in reverence. The sun was actually God Himself, and Jesus was rotating around Him slowly like a planet. I felt so at peace, knowing everything was going to be ok. I saw Jesus smile at me personally.

***I was startled at the knocking of my window at a homeless, lazy-eyed woman, poorly dressed with a sad stare that was a knife to the heart. She was begging for money shortly after. I was told to “Never give them money” otherwise I would have in that moment, it felt like she had never experienced what true love and freedom were like.


   Again, I closed my eyes to see myself laying in the back of my parents car, traveling through Nevada as we were moving to Montana. Through the rainstorm I was looking at the landscape appreciating Gods creativity, the way he makes things, and appreciating my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Tamara. Traveling from highway to interstate, hotel to motel, the sunrises and sunsets. Waking up at 11 years old to the sunrise in a foreign town I would probably never see again; It’s no wonder I love to travel.

***I opened my eyes to see a landscape lit up with the lights of Singapore economy, large buildings and newly created structures screaming for tourists. The expensive attractions and beautiful places to visit… I quickly realized that there was no middle class here… Just the Poor and the Rich.

   I closed my eyes again, instantly seeing myself at 15 sitting in a tree with Jeret, watching the sunset, listening to the grass and the branches being influenced by the evening breeze. The last rays of the sun glimmering off the creek near by, and as the sun sets, someone said in near poetic tone “Today was a good day”. As the mountains ate the summer sun, we make our way back home. Crossing the slender bridge that would only hold young teenagers anyway, dodging cow poop and throwing rocks off a cliff before actually going back home.

***I freak out and grab whatever I can as the driver honks the horn and dodges through traffic, missing by inches other cars and motorcycles carrying families of 5 or less. Some of them looking at us and doing double takes, not believing that we were there. I just smile as we keep dodging traffic, or weaving in and out of a highway fatality as I like to say.

   I still cant figure out how I got here, why I choose to do the right thing, why I want more of God, and why yet some others don’t care. I cant figure out how I got to be a Knight, how I got to be a pastor, how I was impressioned to live this incredible, adventurous lifestyle. How do I show people what I already know? How do I throw people the same seed I caught onto as a kid?



I started a personal journal in the same looks as the one found in the movies "Indiana Jones", specifically the film "The Last Crusade". This journal is set to journal my own personal nuggets and revelations regarding my relationship with God. I have noticed that after reading the bible and applying scripture to every day life, you begin to see puzzle pieces fit together and form something completely new that you never saw before. This Journey called "Christianity" is "Following Christ" but if we don't do that, were just people "Going to church"

Start your Journey... I would give you hints on how I started, but I have no idea when it began, I know it's all individually tailored to the person, and if you follow through with it, hear this... You will be shaken, you will be under attack in many ways you never thought possible, working through those is evidence you are headed in the right direction.

Start your journey.