Now, keep in mind, I'm not saying any of this to recieve any pity, but wanting to offer a hope that you, the reader, may need someday, if not now.
I was spending some quality time with God a while back, and I felt a kind of distance when I was praying, like I was shouting up to heaven, hoping God would hear me kind of prayer... and in that moment I knew there was something in me that was blocking my relationship with God... so I prayed a dangerous prayer.
"God, I know I'm not perfect. I know there's stuff I see and stuff I dont see in the depths of who I am that you want to get rid of. Destroy me. All that stuff that is in the way of us- Destroy it. Grab onto the depths of my soul and who I am and YANK! God, I want you to Destroy me. Please. In Jesus Name, Amen"
And He did.
The prayer was seemingly easy to pray, but to understand the depths that God was going to work, was painful beyond all pain I have ever experienced... But the really cool thing is, I knew through all of it that it was God literally yanking stuff out of me, and I wanted to hold onto some of it, and other parts came out painfully slow... But remembering that it was Gods hand doing the work stopped me from praying "God WHY?!" because I already knew the answer.
When God shows you the profound depths of how wrong you are, and how you should change, there's a fight. It's super easy for a moderate Christian to say "Yea, I'll do anything it takes to be more like Jesus" and sing songs "...Holyness, is what I long for..." but live there lives ignorantly to the fact that God is answering there prayers, and they think God is just a bully... Hello??
But walking through this pain, I can easily identify with walking through the valley of the shadow of death, because I have had thoughts of suicide and hurting myself. You may be thinking "Oh no! This isnt God's will! Get out! Pray for God to rescue you" Isn't that what People told Jesus when he was on the cross? Did Jesus suffer so we can life perfect lives and have doughnuts before church? No. Dont settle for "Cheap Grace" Settle in the fact that between the Present and the Promise is a Proscess... and God wants to make you more like His son.
No matter what your going through, through the pain and tears, God is Good. He works out all things for good for those who love and trust Him.
