MINISTRY UPDATE

Ok- It looks like the end of January we are heading out to minister overseas. Spending months in a foreign country, and meeting with thousands of people at a time. God is still working and moving in my life, changing deeply who I am, and preparing me for what is to come.

I love it when God prepares us, it hurts sometimes, but the benefit of it is a life well lived.

The Stronghold

Last night I went through some of the most terrifying revelations and internal earthquakes I have ever gone through. Now that it's all over, Im still not sure who I am, God has radically destroyed parts of who I am. My thinking has changed, my goals, my relationships, my pride... Broken and changed. I'm sitting at a table right now staring outside, asking God to heal me. I feel like I'm bleeding everywhere. And here's why.

At many points in my life I craved friendship... I craved someone to latch on to for security, comfort, companionship, approval, love, even grace and forgiveness... Turns out it was all Idolatry. All of those things are traits of God, and God wants to be our source, not for us to be the source for others, or go finding love in other things when God has a far better, deeper supply than you could ever need or want.

But the problem was- I was addicted to it. I craved the seemingly "realness" of worshiping the creation rather than the creator. It was my drug, and I needed a fix on a regular basis. I would regularly hear things like "You don't have any friends" and "No one loves you" which drove me mad, because they were lies coated in a dab of truth- and I didn't fight them, but I should have.

I never wanted to tell anyone about my addiction, but last night there were events that could not be denied. The truth had to come out, the deepest darkest recesses of my past, my idolatry, all my choices and wants to appease that sick beast inside me- it had to come out... and it did.

Driving down the mountain road I began to cry, I started to pray as I felt God prepare me for the deepest surgery He had ever performed on me. I began to furiously cry in the car as my prayers turned into petitions and screaming "God! Prepare me for this!... I want to grow up!... Your work be done!... Transform me!" My blubbering words muffled by the stream of tears and pain. In that moment, I felt God touch my head, literally. Getting ready to give up something that has been with me nearly my whole life was not an easy task... but it happened.

So here I sit, feeling empty and full at the same time, breathing the free air, and reaching out to Gods love, grace, acceptance, security, approval, and friendship. As for what's next, I dont know.

To be a Man

To be a man... I'm 29 already... You would think at some point some switch would have kicked on some sort of man motor just waiting to fire up, but as it turns out, its more like a puzzle to put together. This is a crazy process, and even when you think you have it, you don't, You just finished putting together a puzzle piece of the bigger puzzle. Its so true that once you realize you don't know it all, you start learning. I have had my own learning curve today, and I have been waiting YEARS to turn that corner closer to manhood... Even though I am a man... It doesn't feel complete yet. God, help me become more of a man. Not like james bond or vin diesel... But, me. Mold me and shape me into whatever man YOU want me to be. I let go of pride, arrogance, childish ways, excuses, and anything else comforting that stops me from getting closer to You. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Waiting

Its not every day I have 15 minutes with nothing to do, but I still ask myself- what do I do with extra time? Looking at it like its currency in a bank account you have no idea when its going to run out.
Some people spend YEARS of there life pursuing happiness selfishly and never finding real Joy. I'm finding myself joyful right now just sitting here because I know I'm in Gods will for my life right now, and beyond that, I'm happy... Not many people can say that these days.

Cries in the light

I cried so hard this afternoon I got a nosebleed. You never know how much is on your back until it breaks, and mines hurting pretty bad. If I combine the financial issues, lack of male companionship, lack of time to call family back home, my grandpa in the hospital, personal lack of long-term development in ministry... Its amazing what kind of lies seep in and say stuff like: your family doesn't miss you, you need to be someone else if you are to succeed, you need more money to be happy, your a burden to the ministry... Its really annoying.
I know this battle inside me will be won, however, getting to that point is painful. Lots of tears and ripping lies off of you like duct tape, I know its going to be ok.

Sick and tired

JOURNAL ENTRY::
  "Its our final missions trip this yer, I was sick, literally through the whole thing, and I had a good time with families and kids... But now that were done I realize something. Being surrounded by "type A" people, (Leaders, strong personality type) I tend to shrink back, and no one wants to really be in a close relationship, just a business relationship. Everyone talks about what's next, what was, or what needs to be done now... I ask if anyone wants to play cards, and its viewed as a waste of time. Don't people believe in team building exercises? Communication? Being approachable? I feel like I'm my prime spot in ministry- this is easily one of the best ministries I have ever been involved in, and its a pleasure and privlage to even work with- not to mention be hired by them to work all over the world... Its so fulfilling in every aspect of life except one. Relationships. I don't feel close to anyone, and to a degree, I really don't feel like my opinion matters or that I'm even heard, with that said, part of me feels like its dying, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing- but reguardless, I have longed for a meaningful conversation or hug for months, and it seems like I'm just in a desert. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like it. So weird."

Ok- I wrote the a while ago, and I cant believe how selfish and needy I was. well, I was sick, but at least my negative emotions and bad attitude were held in "Draft" on here and didn't go out for everyone to see. I thought about deleting this draft, but realizing that everyone is human and needs to work out our own iniquity and issues, allowing God to work on who you are. The text above is how I was, and God is changing me day by day.
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Book about women

"What men know about women" By Tim Warner

Chapter index:
  1: How to relate around multiple women.
  2: What No really means
  3: Tips

Chapter 1: 

Shut up.

Chapter 2:

No, Shut up.

Chapter 3:

 If a woman tells you "I don't feel like explaining it, turns out you already annoyed her and wants to go away from your presence, either way, Shut up.

My Abs of steel!!

Yeah! Check this out! Oh wait- you cant see em. HA!
turns out Godliness is something that you can make stronger, but cant see as you would- Abs.
Am I saying I'm a complete work of art when it comes to Godliness? Heck no. Just like a man with ripped abs and has that fake look on his face that says

I can see those models saying

"You only wish you were this hot!"

 ugh... Makes me sick. 

but in the same way- dont people who pretend to be holy or godly that have that look or feeling of "You only wish you were as close to God as I am!" That too, makes me sick.