The Stronghold

Last night I went through some of the most terrifying revelations and internal earthquakes I have ever gone through. Now that it's all over, Im still not sure who I am, God has radically destroyed parts of who I am. My thinking has changed, my goals, my relationships, my pride... Broken and changed. I'm sitting at a table right now staring outside, asking God to heal me. I feel like I'm bleeding everywhere. And here's why.

At many points in my life I craved friendship... I craved someone to latch on to for security, comfort, companionship, approval, love, even grace and forgiveness... Turns out it was all Idolatry. All of those things are traits of God, and God wants to be our source, not for us to be the source for others, or go finding love in other things when God has a far better, deeper supply than you could ever need or want.

But the problem was- I was addicted to it. I craved the seemingly "realness" of worshiping the creation rather than the creator. It was my drug, and I needed a fix on a regular basis. I would regularly hear things like "You don't have any friends" and "No one loves you" which drove me mad, because they were lies coated in a dab of truth- and I didn't fight them, but I should have.

I never wanted to tell anyone about my addiction, but last night there were events that could not be denied. The truth had to come out, the deepest darkest recesses of my past, my idolatry, all my choices and wants to appease that sick beast inside me- it had to come out... and it did.

Driving down the mountain road I began to cry, I started to pray as I felt God prepare me for the deepest surgery He had ever performed on me. I began to furiously cry in the car as my prayers turned into petitions and screaming "God! Prepare me for this!... I want to grow up!... Your work be done!... Transform me!" My blubbering words muffled by the stream of tears and pain. In that moment, I felt God touch my head, literally. Getting ready to give up something that has been with me nearly my whole life was not an easy task... but it happened.

So here I sit, feeling empty and full at the same time, breathing the free air, and reaching out to Gods love, grace, acceptance, security, approval, and friendship. As for what's next, I dont know.