Battle: My first love

"Sometimes I feel alone in a crowded room, sometimes I wonder if anyone notices how much hard work I put into things... It's difficult to do your best for so long, especially when it pales in comparison to others who has worked as a unified team for years. "

Those were my thoughts a week ago, and then the real battle began: Loneliness.

A few days ago it finally hit me, I don't have anyone I can talk to about deep stuff, and I do want someone to talk to because God has been doing some deep work inside me, and I totally love it... but it was in that moment of wanting to tell someone I realized I had no one I could connect with. Little did I know that that thought brought more pain than I ever felt before, because God was trying to rip something so deep inside me I didn't understand why I needed to go through that kind of tearful anguish- and for me, a relational person who loves to connect with people on a personal level, it was hard.

God was tugging at something I had in my life since I was a kid: Idolatry.

I always loved hanging out with friends, being accepted, popular, feeling needed at times was some sign of status that I had years ago, but I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. I loved God with all of my heart, but at the same time I chose to have friends as my comforter rather than the Holy Spirit.

I remembered a conversation I had with a man a number of months ago whom I highly respect, and he told me that he saw idolatry going on between myself and the other person mentioned, now that I felt the pain of loneliness and dually understood that I was placing my heart in a place of wanting connection with someone I can relate to, hang out with... I just wanted a friend... but my heart was longing for comfort, and needed to look to the comforter... I realized this in a quick moment I was in the wrong, and in that moment I closed my tear-filled eyes and simply said

"God, I need a hug" (Basically saying: "Be my comforter")

and I felt arms wrap around my head and shoulders like one of the warmest embraces I have ever felt. With tears in my eyes I gave a hug back, I can only imagine how that would have looked if someone saw me! but after only moments after God inspired change and I chose to walk through with it, it was amazing how I felt. I felt whole again, like a man who reunited with his first love. I felt complete in a way, not perfect, but more whole as a person. I was smiling for the next few days, just because of how comforted I felt, and still feel.

It's exciting to have such a bizarre form of surgery done on you, but the end result is amazing.